If I need to tackle anyone in my sleep, I'm ready

With the temperature change as of late my body has taken notice in one painfully peculiar way. I've been clenching my jaw tighter than a block of cheese at a surfing contest. Yes, I know that made no sense. The pain is radiating to my brain, I tell you. I pop in now and then to make a conscious effort to unclench. Soon enough tho, the dull ache creeps up and around my head. I only do this when I'm cold. I don't shiver really, I just clench down like a pitbull. Stress, you ask? No no, when I'm stressed, I grind my teeth. Totally different. So in the meantime, while my stupid face is getting used to the season, I've taken to wearing my football mouthguard looking thing. No, this isn't the ginormous, rubbery, brightly colored mouthguard. This is the slim, streamlined, sexy mouthguard.

Trust me on this.

Brains have seasons too

Along with the onset of autumn, I've noticed a little change in my thought processes. I'm spending more time in daydreams, spacing off, and thinking about anything and everything. Nothing frantic, just a constant lull where I spend the majority of my time just thinking. And nothing too deep either. I spent a chunk of time today thinking about why people buy greeting cards. It was borderline stupid.

i need to watch more tv and kill off some of these brain cells.

What do you do when you're not plotting his death?

At my job, there used to be a girl I worked with previously for a short time. She was high energy, a little self absorbed, and constantly babbling about "my boyfriend". We all knew him, he is the infamous douchebag who thinks he's a hottie. Yet, regardless of the fact we knew his name, it was always "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that. Her life revolved around her "boyfriend" in an almost tragic way. While I was on a temporary hiatus from that job, things went sour between the two love birds and she ended up moving back home, out of state. Since then, she has taken it upon herself to wage war against her ex. She's sending pictures of her kissing other guys to his coworkers and anyone else who's email she has. She's posting slurs and slams all over her myspace. She's gathered a pack of cronies who sign off all thier emails and posts with "we hate Larry*".

This all seems to me...a little on the pathetic side.

Ok. A LOT on the pathetic side.

I just can't understand this mentality. What is it that makes you want to tear up someone to little bits who a couple months previous, you wanted to give your whole heart and soul to? And in such an immature and ridiculous way. And she has FOLLOWERS. I just don't get it. Are people really so bored in thier own lives that they have to join the misguided battle of someone else's dead relationship?

Perhaps this is why singlehood is the best thing for me right now. I am not ready to get into a relationship merely for the fact that my mind is not prepared for the psychotic outlash that it must endure following the dissolution. I'm sure it takes months of meditation and blackmail gathering in order to wage such a war of stupidity. I'll just stick with the boring day to day of being calm and rational, thank you.

*Name changed to protect the endangered.

Slutty witches and one night stands

I traipsed through the halloween costume shop today and was dismayed. Maybe I'm getting too old but all the costumes seemed to be based in innuendo or just plain skimpy. What happened to the days when you were supposed to be scary, not perverted? Granted, I thought the One Night Stand (a nightstand base with lampshade hat) was kind of clever, but the rest just seemed 'blah'. My next thought is what do the day to day slutty people wear for halloween? Do they dress in conservative suits and prim pant ensembles? Its an entriguing thought. I'm half tempted to stop someone slutty and ask them but I would hate to be the person to let them know that the rest of the world thinks they look slutty. I'm not ready to be a Dr. Phil. Oh man, now THAT would be a scary costume idea...

If the fear of touching you weren't so strong, I'd slap you.

My latest job adventure has me working in an optical shop inside a mall (hold all "oohs" and "ahs" til the end, please). While the nonstop people watching has its entertainment value, the entertainment ceases when the freaks decide to break the line and wander into my shop. There is one in particular that regularly crosses this line and I'm reaching my limit of politeness. This one is an older gentleman, appears relatively normal but his history within this mall makes him a disturbing breed of ick. He's been kicked out for stealing women's underwear and the gals at Vicky's filed a complaint against his loitering in the vicinity. After a short-lived disappearance, he's come back. Typically he just roams but once a night he wanders into our store, regardless of who is working. Be it me or my 6'5 male counterpart, he stops to get his glasses cleaned. How dirty can they really be if you're in here every single night, I mean really. Last night I was ready to end it all. He sat down, made himself comfy, and handed me his glasses. I took them to the far opposite side of the store, cleaned them and brought them back to him. If I tell him to "have a nice night" this is his cue to leave and typically he does so somewhat promptly. Last night he decided to be "asleep". I told him a good five times to "have a nice night" until finally he "woke up" and went on his way. If this is his new trick I'm tazering his sorry ass.

Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be creepy fuckers.

Drinking coffee with my psyche

A few years ago, I briefly dated a guy that was very like-minded and we could talk and debate over pretty much anything. I say briefly because we were so like-minded that we were equally stubborn and refused to bend on any point of disagreement. It just didn't last. While I haven't seen the guy in person for a couple years, he regularly visits me...in my dreams. Now before you scoot closer to your monitor in anticipation of a juicy story, they aren't that kind of dreams. Everytime he appears, he and I are merely talking. We're sometimes at a coffee shop, sometimes walking around a park, sometimes sitting on a bench but always talking. In the morning I remember the conversations. They're like those you would have with any other friend. Catching up, talking over current situations, and getting advice. I've come to the conclusion that this old boyfriend happens to be the face my brain puts on my inner monologue in my dreams. When I need to talk something out with myself, here he is with his lovely face to give me the good or the bad news in his typically logical and sometimes irritating style. Its sometimes very frustrating to talk to him because in the waking world, I hated being wrong when talking to him but in dreamland, the bastard is always right. At any rate, he and I get together to chat every few weeks or so. He's kept updated on each and every aspect of my life (the good, bad, and ugly) because for some reason, he just knows.

A recent dream meeting with my friend over dinner has left me a little perplexed. We talked over many of the things going on in my life, per the usual, and then he told me he had some news. This is not usual. He told me that he was getting married and he wasn't sure how much we would be able to talk anymore. He did want me to meet his fiancee though. She materialized at the table, another person from my past. In the real world, we were all in the same social group although she and he were hardly the types to be seen together, but I digress. Back at dinner, she was very friendly and apologized that she might be monopolizing him in the future. And then she just faded out and I was left looking at my ex in complete confusion. He told me he still enjoyed talking to me and would try to make it in the future but I just needed to be lenient.

Now...I'm just not sure what to expect. Did my brain seriously decide that it needed to bow out gracefully from our little talks? Am I getting another person to talk to (I really hope its not the fiancee, I wasn't that fond of her in real life)? Why, in the midst of my SearchingForFriendsLoneliness has my brain decided I need to stop meeting with even a figment of a friend? This can't be normal. I wonder if my insurance covers cat scans...

Hoooo boy, can't wait!

One of the downsides to working/living indoors is that constant fluorescent "blah". I got to work with sleepy tunnel vision and by the time I'm leaving work, I'm alert but its typically dark out. This morning, while driving to class, I realized that the sunlight is changing. We are officially heading towards autumn (I say officially because nothing is official until I take notice). This realization brings two very distinct feelings to mind. 1) HOORAY, I love autumn and can't wait! and 2) Aw shit, winter is coming WAY too early. While its easy for me to wallow in the impending misery that is winter, I'm going to try and be an optimist and think only of autumn.
Here are just a couple of the things I truly love about the Season of Slow Leaf Death (think it will catch on? I'm emailing Martha...):

1) The leaves now blend in with my hair color, helping me hide in the wild.
2) I can drink hot coffee again without sweating.
3) People start burning things and it smells nice.
4) All the crazies congeal at the football stadium making the rest of the town nice and peaceful.
5) Being able to comfortably wear jeans again prevents people from gawking at my abnormally pale skin.
6) My dog takes it upon herself to wage war against falling leaves. They typically win. I laugh.
7) People start wearing long coats. The world looks classier in long coats. Just a thought.
8) Drizzly crappy days where you can sit in the coffee shop, read, and eavesdrop.
9) Those really bright windy days where you can just walk all day.
10) Soup, stew, and homemade bread.