Thursday, March 20, 2008
Another shift
It seems like every few months I go through some shift in self. It's either some sort of realization or a major decision to change something. Yesterday I spent a little time just thinking about things. Had I left some things the way they were, yesterday would have been my anniversary. The differences between who I was the day I got married and who I am today tend to surprise me. Outwardly, I was strong and stubborn but on the inside I was terrified. I remember being so worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I think I'm more strong now, both outwardly and inwardly. I don't have doubts about the choices I make. I'm okay being single because I'm not with someone for the wrong reason. I'm glad I'm back in school (although I will admit the debt because of it is a little unnerving). I'm happy I moved back because of all the craziness I've been through, my family have been the ones to always be there. Back when I was getting married, I knew that my entire life was pretty much planned out, it was safe. Now, I have no idea what will be going on in 5 years but I don't have any of the worries I had then. In the past year, I've been able to take some risks and open things up to dreaming about what I can do now. Granted, there were moments of terror but I think it comes with the territory. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it feels like things are starting to be me again. After almost a decade of being a stranger, I really feel like myself again.
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4 comments:
That's fantastic!
Let me just say as spokesperson for the family... we're soooo glad you're back. As much as we loved your ex, we all had some reservations, especially when you moved away and we couldn't keep close tabs to see how things really were. The chemistry just wasn't there and you didn't seem like... you. It's nice to have "you" back, too. {{{hugs}}}
Shifts are much like the seasons, they come regular and often. Sometimes boldly, and sometimes they slip in and you don't even notice right away. Fear and anxiety also stay with us a life time and that is good, or we would walk into traffic without looking, we might drink expired milk, lol but we would not survive long. Maturity and self definition comes from how you react to fear and anxiety. Do you let them control you or do you implement them as the little warning signs they were intended to be. Some people never get beyond their fear and anxiety blaming a dangrous world of holding them back, others recognise the fear and or anxiety for what it is and take a deep breath and move forward. That is called bravery and strength of character.
As far as I can tell you have that in spades.
I have to be honest in that I went through the same experiences/realization after my divorce, one of which was that I'm pretty sure that I don't want children, even though I would have if I'd stayed married. I look back on the person I was when I was married and it's not the person I am today or even the one I was beforehand. I just try to forget those years, quite frankly.
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