Miraculously, my day at work went pretty well. My best friend is still just that and she seems to be understanding my position. She throws in little jabs about me never coming back to visit her but overall, I think we're in the clear.
Instead, today turned into an analysis of my history of relationships. My friend, M, and my coworker, L, chatted about how there seemed to be a lacking of good guys in this town. They asked me about those I had dated and I explained how the ones I meet tend to start out being Mr. Wonderful but after a month or two show their real side and they're typically not-so-spectacular. I also informed them that I'm not even bothering with dating at this point. I'm tired of being road-killed time and time again. M started shaking her head in disbelief. She couldn't reconcile the hardass icequeen I project with my soft nougaty center. Both L and M thought I should go out and start just walking all over guys because I'm young and attractive and can get away with it.
I am disheartened.
I don't want to just walk all over guys. I like guys. I've had some pretty great guys as friends. I don't want to be THAT girl who just annihilates them. I could, don't get me wrong...I just can't. There's something about the thought of it that makes me feel just empty inside. I mean, I've been on the losing side of those kinds of annihilations. If I were honest with myself, I'm still recovering from the last brutal one. In the meantime, is that what people/guys think I am? Do I give that impression? Is there any way to reconcile my hardass ice queen persona with my sensitive, fragile, couldn't-hurt-a-fly inner girly-girl?
Maybe I don't want to find myself afterall...it makes my head hurt.
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4 comments:
Since when are we ever just one thing? I don't really know you, but I trust your Mom, she has pretty good insight and I have to believe that you are a proper combination of mostly good things, we all need just enough bad to give ourselves credibility. :)
Give it time...there will be the one guy that will come along and see everything about you..the ice queen side and the softy girly girl side..unconditionally. It is awesome!
Love,
Manda
finding yourself DOES make your head hurt. trust me on that one. :)
even while finding yourself you know that you don't want to be that kind of person. trust yourself and act within that integrity. no one truly deserves to be treated like that (the way your friends suggest). there's a balance between being soft and being hard. you'll find your way.
I'm with Sizzle. It isn't worth it to lose yourself by being that kind of a person. YOU don't want to be treated that way, don't treat others that way (the Golden Rule at its finest). Don't let 'em walk all over you, true, but don't turn into "THE CRUSHER" yourself. You'll get there. I'm with Amanda on that - he's out there. Honest.
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