The last couple of weeks stand out as significant in Em’s Grand Scheme of Things. Nearing the end of the semester, I’d had a feeling like things were about to change. While things were going pretty well externally, I just had this unsettled feeling. Something needed to change. I had been overstressed, depressed, and pissy in general. I wasn’t all that happy with life. I needed to be proactive. About a week ago, I decided that maybe getting out on my own would help figure things out. In my entire life, I have lived alone only briefly. For about 6 months during my (first) freshman year I had solitude and crashed it into the ground with my immaturity. Since then, I have always either lived with family, in a dorm, or with my ex-husband. I decided that it was time to live on my own and see who I really am.
Shortly after I made this decision, my brother’s friend John died. While my external reaction to his death has been limited, internally, I think about it every day. He’s made realize that I’m not going to live forever. And the time I get may be shorter than I think. It’s made me more confident in my apartment decision and more confident in living my life the way I’ve always wanted to.
I’ve always felt like I’ve grown up in the shadows of others. I can talk a pretty good game but I’ve never been as independent as I project. I’ve always been concerned about what others are thinking of me, what I should or shouldn’t do, or say. I’ve edited the real me to fit expectations. Slowly, over this semester, I’ve allowed more of myself to come through to those around me. Sometimes as a shock, I think. Several times in the past couple months I’ve heard that things I do are ‘so not like me’. It’s been a little difficult to tell people that, actually, these kinds of things are SO like me, I’ve just been too worried to act like it.
Since my mortality has decided to smack me in the face, I’ve felt compelled to do all the things I’ve always wanted but have been too cautious and concerned to actually do. Yesterday, I got my nose pierced. It’s lovely and contrary to all that I had feared, it didn’t really hurt at all. I’m working on making decisions based on what’s good for me, not just what is comfortable. My greatest change of all, I’m talking to strangers more. Usually, I don’t initiate conversation and I’ve been told that because of that (and my smartass nature), I come across as a bitch (go figure). Since I’ve started talking, people are actually way nicer than I thought they were, I actually want to be around people all the time …FASCINATING.
I’m excited. From this square one of appreciating what life can really be, things seem like they can be amazing. That I can be completely myself and people will be okay with that. For someone whos stifled themselves for as long as they can remember, this is an amazing thing for me. Things couldn’t get much better…
…and then I found MY HAIR STYLIST ON ACCIDENT. I shit you not. Life is so good right now.
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5 comments:
how great! it's wonderful to read about you embracing yourself. people ARE fascinating. and a lot of them appreciate it when you smile at them too, i've discovered. :)
See? You don't have to turn out to be the anti-social twin of your mother! YAY! Who knew? I'm proud of ya, honey... (*sniff* my little girl is all grow'd up)
Amen
Manda
~~~You've been tagged!
Hi! I'm by way of Sue.
As a child I was pathologically shy. When I say that to people now, they're usually shocked. I worked so hard to hide it, overcome it, but a part of me will always be that child.
I learned to talk to people. Later, because of some specific health problems, I became an Accidental Hermit. Now, when I'm mostly isolated from others, I find people more interesting than ever. I treasure them all.
I always had friends and acquaintances from all walks of life. Now, in its way, it's even more intense. I talk to strangers all the time and have great fun with that.
People really are far nicer than that child ever knew.
Are far more interesting and intelligent, too. Intelligent in all ways of measuring it.
You have a great mom. But I can see you already figured that out.
Good for you!
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