Stay Tuned

Hi there.

I'm still around.

Sometimes, when I have too much time off, my brain kind of folds in on itself and I just spend a lot of time in my head. It takes a little time to come back.

Gimme a day or two.

And a cup of coffee.

You're a peach.

Random observations from a night of mindless TV watching

1) Target commercials are becoming creepier and creepier. The people are all clones...who buy the same thing in different colors...with big fakey smiles on their face. It's beginning to make me scared of Target. Oh shit, they might be watching.

2) Whoever writes the informative little snippets about each show for the in-satellite info windows needs to actually watch the shows they're writing about. It seems like each thing I watched tonight had NOTHING to do with what the little window said it would. Lying little bastard windows. Don't trust the windows.

3) Apparently, the Cialis commercials weren't enough. Now there's a male enhancement product that you don't need a prescription for. Apparently, the company thinks we need to be so informed that they televise it every 17 seconds. As a side note, it is a really crappy commercial, cinematically speaking. The lighting is all jacked and the 'seductive' actresses look exceptionally hookerish. And yes, I know that hookerish actresses has limited relevance to cinematics. If that's a word.

4) Pizza consumption goes up tenfold if you're not paying attention. I'm nearing foodcoma.

5) Sarah Jessica Parker continues to baffle me. I spend the whole time staring at the strange architecture of her face. Its confusing.

6) Contrary to what might be expected, the show "Unique Whips" has to do with cars. Quite the disappointment. I mean think about it...a show...dedicated to whips...and not just those boring run-of-the-mill ones...UNIQUE whips. Aren't you disappointed now too?

7) After watching television for a whole night uninterrupted, your eyes feel like they have sand in them. Lots of sand. And you feel dumber. Lots of dumber. I think tomorrow I'll find something better to do.

Not the day at work that I expected

Miraculously, my day at work went pretty well. My best friend is still just that and she seems to be understanding my position. She throws in little jabs about me never coming back to visit her but overall, I think we're in the clear.

Instead, today turned into an analysis of my history of relationships. My friend, M, and my coworker, L, chatted about how there seemed to be a lacking of good guys in this town. They asked me about those I had dated and I explained how the ones I meet tend to start out being Mr. Wonderful but after a month or two show their real side and they're typically not-so-spectacular. I also informed them that I'm not even bothering with dating at this point. I'm tired of being road-killed time and time again. M started shaking her head in disbelief. She couldn't reconcile the hardass icequeen I project with my soft nougaty center. Both L and M thought I should go out and start just walking all over guys because I'm young and attractive and can get away with it.

I am disheartened.

I don't want to just walk all over guys. I like guys. I've had some pretty great guys as friends. I don't want to be THAT girl who just annihilates them. I could, don't get me wrong...I just can't. There's something about the thought of it that makes me feel just empty inside. I mean, I've been on the losing side of those kinds of annihilations. If I were honest with myself, I'm still recovering from the last brutal one. In the meantime, is that what people/guys think I am? Do I give that impression? Is there any way to reconcile my hardass ice queen persona with my sensitive, fragile, couldn't-hurt-a-fly inner girly-girl?

Maybe I don't want to find myself afterall...it makes my head hurt.

Don't wanna go to work...

I'm dreading today. I have to work. But not only do I have to work, I have to work with my best friend.

I see you scratching your head. Let me explain.

Yesterday, I put in my notice. A couple weeks ago, an old boss offered me a job with a significant raise over what I'm making now. I had to give it some serious thought for many reasons. I've had a lot of fun working where I am now. My manager is and has been my best friend for a few years. We've been there for each other through some really rough times. I also really enjoy my coworkers. It's a quirky, tightknit group and it's great having a job I look forward to. The downside is, the money is not the greatest. Since I decided to move out, money has been at the front of my mind.

Now before you ask if I was choosing between money and a fun job, the answer is not really. When I worked for this previous boss, I also had a lot of fun there. It's the same type of job, optical sales, but the clientele is different and the environment isn't corporate. It's an independently owned shop and it's real artsy and fun. It was my home away from home for the years that I worked there.

And so...long story short, I'm switching jobs based on money and my best friend is upset with me. It sucks because I love her as much as I love my family but she has a hard time not taking this sort of thing personally. I expect today will be a cold one. Anyone have a scarf I can borrow?

Memo

To whom it may concern:

Upon my winning the lottery I shall expect 3 things.
1) Chocolate chip cookies shall be baked fresh every morning.
2) A fleet of sports cars will be purchased in my name.
3) The giant spiders that hide in my closet and SCARE THE LIVING BEJESUS OUT OF ME will be hunted mercilessly by a highly trained spider assassin with a turbo Dyson and a machete.

Mother's Day

Once upon a time, there was a small young girl with long dark eyelashes and long dark hair. Life was bright and fair until her mother was taken from her. Darkness descended. Without light, the people around her turned into monsters. The small young girl with the long dark eyelashes grew into a tall young girl with nightmares behind her eyes and anger in her heart. She ran from the darkened land and tried her best to recreate the light. She succeeded in part but the light was still not quite right. It couldn’t block out the nightmares behind her eyes or soothe the anger in her heart. She ran again and with her two small bundles of light, she began anew. She met a man with dark hair but a light heart. The family grew and the light grew brighter. Sometimes it was easy to not see the nightmares. Sometimes it was easy to not notice the anger. Other times, it wasn’t so easy. Her small bundles of light couldn’t understand. The man with the light heart tried his best. One day, the nightmares and the anger overcame her. She tore herself from the light and fought with the darkness. She fought fiercely and with courage. The darkness receded to only a dim shadow. She returned to the light of her family with great strength. Gone was the anger in her heart. The nightmares still lived behind her eyes but their power had been diminished. After years of running, the tall young girl was able to embrace her own light. Life was never again as bright and fair as it was when she was small and young but it was beautiful.

There are always nightmares and always darkness but the light and beauty of family can overpower any shadow.

HOORAY CLEANING!!!

I've procrastinated long enough. Today is the day to clean. But I need to explain myself first.

I am a slob.

I blame it on my artistic side. I prefer to live surrounded by chaos so as I'm surveying all that needs to be done, I'm looking at a total flippin' mess. There are piles of clothing that need to be washed. A pile of shoes that could stand to be put in the closet. Piles and stacks and towers of artwork and pieces of artwork that need to be put away in some order. And art supplies? Don't even ask. You will find them everywhere.

Long ago, I had a roommate. After living with me for a month, she informed me that I'm a college guy trapped in a woman's body. Disaster doesn't really bother me. It was one of the reasons I decided that I would live by myself when I got my apartment. I keep thinking that I'm going to be better with my beautiful loft apartment. It's so lovely that my disaster area mentality might not complement it too well. I'm not holding my breath though...

Meme: the Seven Random Facts one

Ma got me...so here we go...

1) I sing. A lot. I used to sing in a band and in high school choir. Since then, I sing only in the shower, around the house when no ones there, in my car, and the rare karaoke occasion. I really want to start singing in public again. I'm hesistant to take lessons because I don't want to sing church music, I want to sing jazz and the like.

2) Regardless of any hardass image I project, I'm a total romantic at heart. I think it is possible for some people to find that perfect person they've been waiting their whole life for...but I also think its possible that there are those that never do. There's something romantic about waiting your whole life for a perfection you never find, even if it is kind of tragic. In my short little life, I think I've fallen in love a few times but it was only because I saw the possibility of who those men could be for their someone, even if it wasn't me. For as much pain as they've caused me, I'm acutely aware of how wonderful any man can be towards the woman they truly love.

3) I used to be really religious, pursuing a knowledge of it with a scientific mind. Since that period of my life, I've kind of stopped wondering. I don't know if there's a supreme being. I don't know that I feel a divine presence guiding my life. I'm not sure I'm overly concerned with it. I'll work with what I've got and I suppose one day I'll find out one way or another.

4) My favorite color is a deep, dark red. Almost the color of blood but a little darker and a little less orange. My other favorite color is black. They're comforting to me. Anything in those colors is beautiful to me. Metallic paint on a car, flowers, fabrics, insects, anything. I'm drawn to objects that are that color of red.

5) I spend an inordinate amount of time in my own head. I can remember being young and instead of playing with my siblings, I'd go out and lie down on the grass and just spend time thinking. I still do that sort of thing from time to time. It makes it hard to sleep. It also gives me little frown lines permanently etched in my forehead from concentrating. I also noticed that I sometimes talk and act differently from people my own age. Sometimes from people in general. Maybe its not so much that I spend time in my head as much as I'm just a little weird.

6) I'm a chameleon. I think I get it from my dad. I can get all dressed up and rub elbows with business types or I can put on a bandana and a tshirt and hang out at the tattoo shop. I like talking to all sorts of people. Being a chameleon lets you hear stories that maybe you wouldn't have otherwise heard. The downside is sometimes its hard to know who you really are underneath all the color-shifting.

7) I've managed to have a pretty amazing life. I've lived through some things which might have ruined some people. I'm still standing and I think I'm a stronger person because of all that's happened. Sometimes I think that it's all going to hit me someday and I'll crumble in a broken heap. Part of me thinks I should be a complete mess because of all that's happened. But then I wonder what the point would be. All those things didn't kill me. Sure, they were horrible at the time but they have no control over me now. Bad things happen to everyone. It's just a matter of what you do with the aftermath. Learn from them what you can and if there's nothing to learn, throw it away and move forward. I'll enjoy my life while I can.

Appreciating life and wicked-awesome Mondays

The last couple of weeks stand out as significant in Em’s Grand Scheme of Things. Nearing the end of the semester, I’d had a feeling like things were about to change. While things were going pretty well externally, I just had this unsettled feeling. Something needed to change. I had been overstressed, depressed, and pissy in general. I wasn’t all that happy with life. I needed to be proactive. About a week ago, I decided that maybe getting out on my own would help figure things out. In my entire life, I have lived alone only briefly. For about 6 months during my (first) freshman year I had solitude and crashed it into the ground with my immaturity. Since then, I have always either lived with family, in a dorm, or with my ex-husband. I decided that it was time to live on my own and see who I really am.
Shortly after I made this decision, my brother’s friend John died. While my external reaction to his death has been limited, internally, I think about it every day. He’s made realize that I’m not going to live forever. And the time I get may be shorter than I think. It’s made me more confident in my apartment decision and more confident in living my life the way I’ve always wanted to.
I’ve always felt like I’ve grown up in the shadows of others. I can talk a pretty good game but I’ve never been as independent as I project. I’ve always been concerned about what others are thinking of me, what I should or shouldn’t do, or say. I’ve edited the real me to fit expectations. Slowly, over this semester, I’ve allowed more of myself to come through to those around me. Sometimes as a shock, I think. Several times in the past couple months I’ve heard that things I do are ‘so not like me’. It’s been a little difficult to tell people that, actually, these kinds of things are SO like me, I’ve just been too worried to act like it.
Since my mortality has decided to smack me in the face, I’ve felt compelled to do all the things I’ve always wanted but have been too cautious and concerned to actually do. Yesterday, I got my nose pierced. It’s lovely and contrary to all that I had feared, it didn’t really hurt at all. I’m working on making decisions based on what’s good for me, not just what is comfortable. My greatest change of all, I’m talking to strangers more. Usually, I don’t initiate conversation and I’ve been told that because of that (and my smartass nature), I come across as a bitch (go figure). Since I’ve started talking, people are actually way nicer than I thought they were, I actually want to be around people all the time …FASCINATING.
I’m excited. From this square one of appreciating what life can really be, things seem like they can be amazing. That I can be completely myself and people will be okay with that. For someone whos stifled themselves for as long as they can remember, this is an amazing thing for me. Things couldn’t get much better…

…and then I found MY HAIR STYLIST ON ACCIDENT. I shit you not. Life is so good right now.

Gentlemen, start your engines...

Notice: this post will be a mix of nostalgia and blatant mockery. Let's do nostalgia first, mkay?

Thursday was my little brother's birthday. He's old. Which makes me old. But that's another post. He's the resident stockcar driver in the family and so it was only natural to go to the track on Saturday to celebrate his big day. Now, I need to give a little family history here. Growing up, it wasn't unusual for my dad to pack us four kids up and take us to the racetrack on a Saturday night. We'd line up on the bleachers, suck down hotdogs and nachos, and place bets on who would win each heat. We'd scream our heads off, go deaf from the noise of the engines, and breathe in four pounds of track dust. It was great. As an added perk, we got to see the jovial side of my dad that only comes around after a plastic bucket of beer is consumed in the company of his friends. Nowadays, going to the track is even more fun seeing as lil bro is out on the track. We can still scream our heads off but we actually know who's behind the wheel so it makes it even better. Us siblings don't make it out there as often as we'd like but when we do it's just like old times, nothing changed except our height and the legality of us consuming plastic buckets of beer. It's a brilliantly good time, I'd recommend it if you've never been.

And now, for the blatant mockery...

One of the odd bonuses of going racing is the atmosphere. The demographic is a tad different, a bit more, uh, shall we say "small town". You will see brown roots with bleach blonde hair, hypercolor t-shirts still in vogue, and many a hat which reads 'git r done'. The quote of the evening was "I done wore my big girl underpants tonight" by a woman who was hitching them up above her sweatpants to prove to her friends that she was no liar. After the heats were finished and before the main features started, we were treated to small town entertainment. A kid who was old enough to know better decided to roll down the hill and smacked his face on the cement foundation of the bleachers. In what I'm sure is standard protocol, the wee tyke was given a Frito-lays bag full of ice to hold against his face...I've heard the smell of chips is soothing, this proves it. I also noticed that although these tracks don't have expensive firework shows and such, the crowd still would go "ooo" and "ahhh" when a car would shoot sparks as it hit the rail. Or as is the case with my older sister, would occasionally laugh maniacally and shout "THAT WAS SO COOL!!!" (love ya, Manda). If you're a people-watcher, I would recommend going racing merely for the great sightings.

Sitting on the bleachers, surrounded by oddballs and the oddballs I'm related to, it was easy to remember how fun it is to go the races. I'm pretty sure there's a sign above the track that reads "blog fodder". I'll be going back more this summer and I'll be sure to bring my camera so I can show y'all just how, uh...unique it is at the track. Trust me, it's like your home away from home if you lived with a people who thrived off beer and deep fried food and had supremely limited hearing.

The brick wall that is Em gets scheduled for some graffiti

For months I've been toying with the idea of getting another tattoo. My first one, a butterfly on my stomach was in honor of Columbus Day 1999. I woke up and decided, what the hell, today is the day.
At any rate, I've been working on sketches for months in an attempt to design something I would love permanently etched onto my skin. I usually will draw something up and then not look at it for a couple weeks. If I still love it, its in the running.
I'm very careful about this sort of thing. I've seen the monstrousity my cousin has on her lower back. I will not be the victim of a blotchy, poorly designed tramp stamp. This is where I'm actually having a problem. I can't decide where I want to put it. I'm taking into consideration that I might have a grownup job someday. I'm thinking about the possibility that hell will freeze over and I may decide to have kids (which of course means my cute little butterfly will be GINORMOUS and then sad and potentially grody...). I'm taking into consideration most of the practical aspects but I really just want it somewhere I would like it.
My options are:
- on my neck below the hairline
- on my upper back, off to the side of the knobby vertebrate at the base of the neck
- my hip, below the waistline
Whatever and wherever it will be, it won't be huge and gaudy...it's just not my style. Do any of you, lurkers included, have tattoos? What kinds of experiences have you had related to them? Any other words of wisdom*?

* I have already estimated that by the end of this post, my father has rolled his eyes approximately 18 times, speed dialed my mother once, and said the following words at least twice "I made it through the Navy without a tattoo, why does she need to do this?" I still love you to bits, Dad:)

Saying goodbye to one of the good ones

In high school, my older brother was Mr. Popular and I was the awkward little sister that lived in his shadow. For the most part, his equally popular friends ignored me or on occasion made little jokes at my expense. One of his friends, John, stands out in my memory as one of the nice ones. He was nice to everybody and was pretty upbeat in general. Everyone knew who he was and everyone liked him.
Last night John died. It was a heart attack. There's so many things about it that shakes me to the center. He was so young. The same age as my brother, only a few years older than me. He had a fairytale-like life (compared to Iowa) working as a chef in New York. It just happened. Just like that.
This is one of those things that makes you so aware of how short and valuable life is. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about how preoccupied with the mundane I get. How many of us really enjoy life?
John was a great guy. I'm certain he will be missed by many.

Procrastination, thy name is Meme

A - Available or Single? Single and painfully aware of it.
B - Best Friend? Uh, no not really
C - Cake or Pie? That's tough...Yellow cake with chocolate frosting or cherry pie
D - Drink of Choice? Coffee, water, Boulevard Wheat
E - Essential Item(s)? Chapstick, sunglasses, drawing tools, music
F - Favorite Color? Dark Red
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? I'll smoosh them but I won't eat them...
H - Hometown? Ames, Iowa
I - Indulgence? Mud Pie Blizzards, going to chick flicks alone, and expensive haircuts
J - January or February? February
K - Kids? About .01 percent of kids and I get along. They terrify me.
L - Life is incomplete without… hope
M - Marriage Date Heh, well...March 19th was one of them. Couldn't tell you what any of the others will be. Haha
N - Number of Siblings 2 brothers and 1 sister, all 3 are rockstars
O - Oranges or Apples? Green apples
P - Phobias/Fears I think I've conquered most of them...not a huge fan of heights but we get along okay. Clowns are still icky.
Q - Favorite Quote: Don't really have one in particular
R - Reasons to Smile? Tomorrow is my last final. This summer is gonna be a good one. It's baseball season.
S - Season? I love all of them for different reasons. But I like winter the least.
T - Tag Three Aw crap, I have limited internet friends...
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I used to read the dictionary when I was a kid. My nerdiness is thankfully not as obvious anymore
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? As long as animals are tasty I shall continue to oppress the hell out of them. Sorry Bessy.
W - Worst habits? Over-analyzing. Being a workaholic.
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? I had an ultrasound of my heart once, it was the most bitchin' thing I have EVER SEEN.
Y - Your Favorite Foods: Chicken Poblano Rojas, Mexitalian Spaghetti, Enchiladas with beans and rice, egg rolls, chicken wings, nachos, white cheddar cheezits, the Caribbean Way from Smoothie King, pizza from Waldo's, crab legs, steak deburgo, open-faced hot beef sandwiches, homemade chinese food, pad thai, sushi, Iron Vegetarian, those sandwiches in Florida that were so damn good I'm contemplating going back for a whole week sub-fest...
Z - Zodiac: Cancer